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Hello.
Today I got a phone call from a person who I love very much. He's been like a brother to me since I started middle school, and even though I'm a thousand miles away, that wont change.
We got to talking about things. How things are going with me, school, him, his girlfriend, how we've been, stupid things we used to do...everything. When we got on the subject of me, I told him about where I wanted to go to school. I told him, "I want to go to School of Visual Arts in NYC...but I'm not sure I'm good enough..." and he stopped me abruptly. He told me that as long as I had that thought in my head, I would never be good enough. He told me that he thought I was good enough. That was only the beginning. In the middle of the conversation, there was a brief silence. He told me that he thinks about how things would be if I had never moved. Or if I had moved back to North Carolina. He said he thought he would probably go out with me again, and things would be like they used to be. No, better. And I thought that was a mistake to think that, because I'm not a very good person to be with, and he told me right then that I was. There were so many things that make me great, and that make me the most perfect person to be with, Okay, so he's just saying that. He's just making me feel better. I told him about a talk me and my mom had, about me, about why I started cutting, about the solution. I told him why.
"It's because ever since I was in second grade, I had been told I was fat. I was ugly. I wasn't good enough. I didn't fit in. I wasn't cool enough. Well, the more you hear it, the more you begin to believe it. I always have told myself that I wasn't good enough, and that even if I tried, that I would fail. That's why I almost failed last year, and the year before, and the year before, because I just gave up because if I tried, I was pretty sure I would fail. I didn't want anything good for me. I didn't want to succeed."
He told me that everyone is told there is something about them that isn't good enough, but there is always something that makes you great. There is something in you that is better than everyone else's. He told me I am good enough. I'm NOT fat, I'm NOT ugly, and I WILL get into that school, because that's just the way it's going to be. If I was good enough to go to the school in the summer and stay in New York to take classes, and get the catelogue for SVA, then I was good enough to try, and good enough to succeed.
I know these words just sound like words to you, but to me, it was an epiphany. Now, I am going to try harder than ever to do the best I can, be the best person I can be, and try really hard to get to where I'm going, because believe me,
I'm going.
And I'm going places.
xoxo
frankie.Current Mood:  hopeful
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emoelefant's journal
depressed
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